Springtime love and unease

Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day as a mother. It was a beautiful day. We ate breakfast out. We walked to the garden shop and I bought plants for my little window garden. Charlotte finally took a nap, and I quietly enjoyed a beer, watching the sunshine filtering through the tree and my lazily blowing curtains, and my baby asleep, and listening to the sounds on my street, and enjoying the soft warmth of the new season.

This year, I am growing geraniums, romaine lettuce, cucumbers, and cherry tomatoes, and I’m attempting to sprout some mizuna, arugula, and radishes from seed in another box.

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Sometimes I want to quit my job and become a secretary for a finance firm. My job would be to look very pretty and make tea and go for coffee runs. I would be able to write and create and get up to no good during the rest of the time.

If I had a good enough idea (I don’t), I would try to start my own business and be accountable only to me and my family.

But I am here at this job, and I’m actually trying, and it’s actually working, and I will have more money and more options and more responsibility soon, if I continue to play my cards right. And oh, is there a lot of card-playing to be had. So much. It is stressful and makes me feel far too vulnerable. It’s scary and I have to impress people without seeming to try too hard, affect a nonchalant and confident attitude while grabbing onto as much as I can get away with a little bit desperately.

I feel like I COULD do big things. I feel like I’m full of potential. I feel like I am really, really dumb and want to hide forever.

Instead I will plant vegetables and look at the sunshine, and think about the stock options, and stick with it. Darn start-ups.

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