Five Tiny Things I Made (and Completed) Last Year

  1. Two hats and one cowl scarf for Charlotte to wear. She called the pompom hat her “ice cream” hat and wore it all winter. I briefly considered crocheting more cute hats and selling them in an Etsy shop, but my intentions fell through. Maybe next year.

2. One crocheted hat with fur pompom as birthday gift for my sister.

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3. I bought a lot of furniture and made our house cozy and comfortable. Good living space vibes are very important to me. There is still room for improvement – our current apartment is street-facing and on the shady side of the street, so it’s quite dim, slightly noisy, and lacks a view. I have tried to make it into a restful den with comfortable furnishings, cozy lighting, and lots of small areas for different activities.

4. Two small decorative corners and one framed painting. These small arrangements are some of the few superfluous decorations in the whole apartment. The stones were collected from the beach at Montauk. Two small pieces of sea glass and a cluster of seashells from Tybee Island. Fabric-wrapped shells from my high school cultural exchange in Japan. I painted a picture of a forest stream and a little girl poking at river rocks with a stick, and it feels like it was a sort of divination since I had a daughter a few years later. I framed it and hung it on the wall in her room.

5. Three proper little holidays with decorations. Halloween, Charlotte’s second birthday, Christmas. I find it enormously satisfying to be able to create a pretty little atmosphere. Holidays are strangely impractical times, so the intention to create a proper atmosphere must be set.

6. SO much cooking and baking, but as that is not such a struggle for me as creating tangible expressions of personal identity, I will not count it.

And 7. HAD ANOTHER BABY. Welcome Arthur Gaspar, my son.

Baby’s first bedroom!

We just moved into a two-bedroom apartment, right down the street from our old apartment. In contrast to my last, quite frenetic/neurotic post, we are doing well, and I am often very content, which is about as good as anyone can hope for :)

It has been a deep pleasure to create a bedroom for our very own Charlotte. I will be decorating it and organizing it more in the next few months, but my main objective will be to create a Montessori-inspired bedroom, with child-accessible everything, particularly as she grows into a toddler bed and becomes more independent.

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The empty room

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Homestyler design

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Current

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Muji shelves

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Rug from World Market

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I would like to add another, larger and more basic rug, a reading nook, more shelves with drawer inserts for her clothes, a small mirror, something pretty for the walls, and twinkly little fairy lights.

Spring is springing again, and spring is very lovely here. Can’t wait for the day when I can wear a little sundress out, and now that Charlotte is old enough to run around the playground, I can envision many beautiful days with her ahead. She is the joy of my life.

A and I are figuring out what we want, what we need from life. We are both creative people. We need to create more, better, more often. Neither of us are very happy in a 9-5 job though we appreciate the stability that comes with it. It’s time to grow.

Maybe it sounds silly, but I am taking an acting class at night, and A will take a screenwriting class. I like acting. A is a good writer. I want to write more, too.

I want to spend more time with Charlotte. I took last Friday off for a mama-baby day and it was beautiful and fun and deeply satisfying. Walking through the neighborhood in the daytime was interesting. The sidewalks were full of toddlers in strollers, pushed by stay-at-home moms and nannies. The local music class was overflowing and the sounds of tambourines and maracas flooded down onto the street. The old people were out, doing their shopping, making googly eyes at the babies. The neighborhood shopkeepers were quietly going about their day. It reminded me of when I lived in Atlanta and worked at a company located in a nice suburb – I’d go out for lunch in the local village square, so to speak – a little shopping area with a small field and trees in the middle built next to a recent townhouse development. I’d sit in my car with my windows down, eating my lunch, enjoying a pretty day, and watch the stay-at-home moms with their babies out on blankets in the grass, and feel a strange envy of their seemingly-simple, suburban lives. I wonder if most mothers still stayed at home, which is sort of a fallacy considering it was only ever middle and upper-middle class mother who stayed at home, would I have chosen the same? It almost feels like a past life memory, me cooking in a kitchen with the windows wide open, pots of flowers and herbs and tomatoes out in the garden, kids running barefoot all around me, the dogs barking, my sister-in-law scrubbing the floor, her sister calling after one of the kids, or something like that. I guess this is all in some old Mediterranean village in my head. In reality, I don’t want to stay at home full-time, nor do I want to live with extended family, but I do feel that piece is strangely ajar or missing in some way. I miss Charlotte and feel strange leaving her with strangers and then largely blocking her out of my existence for close to ten hours a day, counting commute times.

I feel like it’s time to grow, and rebalance, and understand things and myself.

 

Springtime love and unease

Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day as a mother. It was a beautiful day. We ate breakfast out. We walked to the garden shop and I bought plants for my little window garden. Charlotte finally took a nap, and I quietly enjoyed a beer, watching the sunshine filtering through the tree and my lazily blowing curtains, and my baby asleep, and listening to the sounds on my street, and enjoying the soft warmth of the new season.

This year, I am growing geraniums, romaine lettuce, cucumbers, and cherry tomatoes, and I’m attempting to sprout some mizuna, arugula, and radishes from seed in another box.

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Sometimes I want to quit my job and become a secretary for a finance firm. My job would be to look very pretty and make tea and go for coffee runs. I would be able to write and create and get up to no good during the rest of the time.

If I had a good enough idea (I don’t), I would try to start my own business and be accountable only to me and my family.

But I am here at this job, and I’m actually trying, and it’s actually working, and I will have more money and more options and more responsibility soon, if I continue to play my cards right. And oh, is there a lot of card-playing to be had. So much. It is stressful and makes me feel far too vulnerable. It’s scary and I have to impress people without seeming to try too hard, affect a nonchalant and confident attitude while grabbing onto as much as I can get away with a little bit desperately.

I feel like I COULD do big things. I feel like I’m full of potential. I feel like I am really, really dumb and want to hide forever.

Instead I will plant vegetables and look at the sunshine, and think about the stock options, and stick with it. Darn start-ups.